I haven’t used this space much lately, but I need to talk. My meds are in check, my therapist and I are working well together, my family life is getting better and my depression has been pretty low grade and predictable. I have been setting boundaries, giving myself space to rest, think, and create.
But I am a loner. I am friendless. I push people away. I don’t like most people. They always seem to want something from me. They have expectations. They don’t get me and I don’t blame them. If you mess with me, I will shut that shit down. If you are patient and open and curious and can relate to being a survivor and have taken a look at your life and don’t project your shit on me, I will let you in. A little bit at a time. But that hasn’t happened much lately.
I am a fighter, and I have been dragged down by other people’s toxic shit for too long. I have been used and abused. And I got out, I have healed to a good extent, but I am extremely protective. I won’t be manipulated, I won’t follow your rules, I reject what society expects from a woman. I am not passive anymore and I won’t be put in a box.
Some people feel they are entitled to be a part of my life (my mother) and they are wrong. Some people keep trying even though they will never be trusted again by me. Some friendships are neutral and casual and don’t go very deep, and that is ok. Some family members have cut me off because of the boundaries I have set and that’s ok too.
But I am alone with my thoughts often and sometimes that makes me crazy. The sadness and loss seep in and I check out for a while because it’s too much to feel. Then slowly clarity will come and I will understand what is bothering me or triggering me or making me angry or protective, defensive or hyper vigilant.
If you need a good song to listen to, try this one –
Or this one –
If you are a parent with mental illness read To my daughter growing up in the shadow of my mental illness
There are always other voices to listen to instead of the negative ones in my brain or those awful, soul sucking people around me that want to make me small and and powerless.
I’m not giving up. My behavior might appear strange and cold to others, and I might feel alone sometimes, but I am a fighter and a survivor. All the things I did to survive won’t go away even though I might hate myself for them, or wish I didn’t have to make those choices. But I did and they have allowed me to survive.
Someday in this lifetime it will be more than survival, or maybe it won’t. Someday I might get the chance to experience the comfort and companionship of a good friend, someday I might be ready for that.